Have you played Dead Space?

Have any of you played Dead Space? Holy crap man, It’s awesome! The basic premise of the game is that you’re stuck on a spaceship filled with killer, um …. things, called necromorphs. And all they want to do is kill people.

Learn more about why Dead Space is really better than you, by clicking on “Read the rest of this entry”!

It’s a necromorph and it thinks your brains are delicious.

The Cast

Look at our hero, Isaac. He has a really cool suit which has various lights on it. So he sticks out like a cool person amongst a shitload of killer things. Your job is to get off the ship. Extra achievement points if Isaac still has most of his appendages. There are 2 other people on the ship with Isaac. There’s a woman called Kendra and another African-American guy called Zach. He’ll probably die before the end. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no racist. It’s just that I’ve seen enough movies and played enough games to know that the black dude dies first. Tell me if I’m wrong.

Isaac, Kendra and Token Black Guy.

Me and Waisybabu at the Game

Me and Waisybabu took turns playing the game. Before Dead Space, I didn’t think it was possible to be scared of anything other than little white girls.

We screamed and cried a lot; and this was when we were playing in complete daylight surrounded by people (who were not necromorphs). At night, a person could turn off the lights, turn up the volume, and easily shit their pants.

It’s terrifying enough wandering through the blood splattered and corpse littered corridors. I don’t need something coming at me from the vents while I’m exploring the toilets. It’s not good for my health. Even when you’re alone, you can still hear the necromorphs having hushed conversations on how best to kill you.

Isaac's Level 6 suit is (still) better than your kurta.

Most gaming sessions involved Waisybabu hunched in front of the TV; his hands shaking so much it looked like the controller was stuck in rumble mode. Meanwhile I assumed a fetal position and hid in a corner with my favorite blanket. A lot of yelling and cursing was a customary part of these sessions. Here is a typical example:

Me : (clutching blanket tightly) Don’t go in there.

Waisybabu : I don’t want to…But the magic ground light says I have to.

(Duckzilla starts sobbing. Isaac opens the door. One of the four legged abominations speeds up to our hero)

Me : OH MY GAAAWWWWWD!! SHOOT IT. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY! SHOOT IT YOU !@#$. USE THE @#$%&*& STATIS CHARGES.

Waisybabu : SHUT UP SHUT UP. OH MY GAAWWWWD!!! I’M OUT OF STATIS CHARGES!!

(Isaac shoots wildly, missing all of the creatures limbs by a margin of several feet)

Me : YOU $@$%ING RETARD. HACK ITS #$%^#ING ARM OFF!!! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!

Waisybabu : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHH! (Panics and throws the controller in my direction. I drop it like it’s hot. Isaac has now been converted into 4 smaller parts at the hands of the agent of darkness.)

Whenever a moth or lizard attacks me, I instinctively reach for stasis charges to throw at it. I wish I had stasis charges .

And we haven’t even finished it yet!

Obviously, we haven’t finished the game yet. It’s sort of impossible when neither of us is willing to move where the light orders us to.

I’ve seen enough of the game to hate the woman though. Every so often, she comes up on the screen and tells Isaac to go somewhere and fix something or go somewhere else and kill something. What the eff? Do you want me to get you some coffee while I’m killing the giant thing on the hull doors? Bitch.

Let me open the doors, you moron. Someone farted in here.

I’m roaming around a ship filled up to the wazoo with death and Kendra just sits in the control room using Facebook? I hate her so much.

Lucky for her, I didn’t get too far along in the game to meet her face to face. I put away a special portion of ammo for every weapon just for her.

Final Comments

Basically what I’m trying to say here is that the game is awesome. If you have a PS3 or Xbox or a decent computer, you have to play it (I’m looking at you, Atif). If you’ve already played it, go play it in the dark with the sound up, you pansy.

Also tell me what you thought of it. I want to finish the game but unfortunately, our only Xbox just went E74 (read: died). I’d appreciate it if someone could tell me what the heck happened. I fear for Isaac’s life. And someone please tell me that Kendra is dead.

Duckzilla